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| Time: | 11:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  ditzy. |
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New songs that I wrote I thought that I'd add.. I love comments guys so let me know..
About me, not made up. I won't bore you with details, but it's about me.
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"Wish It All Away"
2005
It's getting tight, no room to breathe
Back off of me, I'm not what you need
Walk away if you got what you came for
Do not linger or pretend to be unsure
You're the type that's always calm, cool, collected
I'm the type that demands to be respected
I don't know what you want
(It's better off that way)
I don't know you anymore
(There's nothing to say)
I don't know why you're still here
I've tried to make it clear
I'm gonna close my eyes
And wish it all away
It's getting lonely, no love to feel
Back off of me, you're no longer real
Go away if there's nothing left to recieve
Don't rub in the fact I was naive
You're the type that's always dead inside
I'm the type that's struggling to feel alive
I don't know what you want
(It's better off that way)
I don't know you anymore
(There's nothing to say)
I don't know why you're still here
I've tried to make it clear
I don't know what you want
(It's better off that way)
I don't know you anymore
(There's nothing to say)
I don't know why you're still here
I've tried to make it clear
I'm gonna close my eyes
And wish it all away
It's getting easier, no pain or confusion
But it's no quick fix or even a solution
Walk away if you've got nothing left to gain
I'm still going in circles, going insane
You're the type that gives it all away
I'm the type that's determined to stay
I don't know what you want
(It's better off that way)
I don't know you anymore
(There's nothing to say)
I don't know why you're still here
I've tried to make it clear
I don't know what you want
(It's better off that way)
I don't know you anymore
(There's nothing to say)
I don't know why you're still here
I've tried to make it clear
I'm gonna close my eyes
(Wish it all away)
I'm gonna close my eyes
(Nothing left to say)
I'm gonna close my eyes
(Gonna wish it all away)
I'm gonna close my eyes
(No looking back)
And wish it all away
BY ME
Another song about me.. and something I've experienced, etc.
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In The Morning
2005
By Me
It was perfect for a moment in time
But it's over, and it is done
I've worked every possible angle
Telling myself it was all in fun
And these are the words that echo & repeat
Inside my head and taste so bittersweet
And in the morning, we will wash it all away
Pretend we've got nothing left to say
And in the morning, we will look the other way
Act like it's just another day
In the morning, we will wash it all away
Again
It cut me deep, you watched me bleed
Sugarcoated texture, so sickly sweet
I've tried every way that I know
Telling myself just let go, let go
And these are the words that echo & repeat
Inside my head and taste so bittersweet
And in the morning, we will wash it all away
Pretend we've got nothing left to say
And in the morning, we will look the other way
Act like it's just another day
And in the morning, we will wash it all away
Pretend we've got nothing left to say
And in the morning, we will look the other way
Act like it's just another day
In the morning, we will wash it all away
Again
It was beautiful and damaging at the same time
It wasn't the picture of perfection I had in mind
I've cried these tears and bled this pain
So why are you the one that gets to complain
And these are the words, these are your words, oh
And in the morning, we will wash it all away
Pretend we've got nothing left to say
And in the morning, we will look the other way
Act like it's just another day
And in the morning, we will wash it all away
Pretend we've got nothing left to say
And in the morning, we will look the other way
Act like it's just another day
In the morning, we will wash it all away
Again
We will wash it all away again, again
In the morning
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| Time: | 9:42 am. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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For some reason Ive been in a very depressed mood over the last couple of weeks. I hate my job, to the point where i just can't take it anymore. Everyone is leavin n it's bout time that I move on n find myself a better job. One that actally pays $6 n hour. I'm also gettin tried of the people that I talk to everyday. They just dont see me for who I really am. Guys are another story. Everything is just another dead end... Im so fucked. Spring Break is n a week or so n i could really use that time to really find myself. I need to take more control of my life n figure out what i really want. I just wish everything wasn't this hard...
Im fuckin tried but I gotta start gettin ready for my job...I might add more when I have more time...
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| Time: | 12:54 am. |
| Mood: |  crushed. |
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~~I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart
Like the pieces of my heart~~~
Guess that sums up how im feelin right now. I'm a lil lost on how i feel about everything. I'd love to ran away n never come back. Maybe get sometime to really get to know myself again. I thought i was in control of my life but i can see that I not. I guess some things never change.
i want you to want me...
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Friday, February 11th, 2005
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I had a few moments before i went to wor kso i thought it was a great tiem to update. So whats up everyone? Its been so logn that i wrote in here.. I survived gettin my ass kicked this crazy week of school, but it's okay they had to report me to the office sayin that i wanted to kick their asses.. whatever. its cuz im thug....right Zak? lol j/k. Twirp is tomorrow not sure if im gonna go yet n not. I have my shirt n i got my ticket but still I dont know if it's gonna be worth it. Matts not gonna be there (cuz he had to smoke in school or fight lol whatever the rumors say right?) so i have no one to dance w/... well i do but still he's mine lol. for like no one to dance for lol. Jess is my bodyguard God I love that girl. Ya gotta admit it, your scary lol j/k Prom is coming up in like 3 months lol but I still want a date. I was gonna ask someone but people have been tellin me that it's wrong for a girl to ask a guy so yeah im havin second thoughts.... but maybe i can get someone to talk to him for me n see if he would like to go w/ me. im kinda between 3 people but in my heart i have one person so yeah who knows. I start my kickboxing classes soon, excited cuz i fianlly get into good shape again. i hate being all fat n lazy. But if i do this i wont have any tiem for dance class... so yeah i guess i choose kick boxing. So after paying $90 for that I'm kinda poor so its okay at least i'll be in shape.. right? well shit i gotta get ready for work so I'll holla at ya bitches lata...
to my bodyguards i love ya (Meggie and Jess) LoL
I wanna try THAT again w/ Matthew... but wait i hate him, dont worry its okay lol
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Friday, January 21st, 2005
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But that didn't stop Melissa and I from having a kick ass day. After school we looked at Prom dresses, visited Steve at work, looked for the Lumina, foudn Rps,ate,played pool, went to the movies w/ megan kow., then went to steves, hung out w/ dan and justin. A really good day if I should say so.
Yesterday Melissa and I had fun in Ecorse... lol fuck yeah we did. Good times over that bridge. So where is Honolulu.... lol??? great shit n yeah i love those boys...
Justin~crybaby n stop trying to hide behind the drugs
Matt~ Your ugly n you can't get a girl lol Not even me, asshole!
Steve~ YOU CALLED!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
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When I Think Of You
When you're looking at me
My heart begins to break
I dream of moments with you
And it's more than I can take
The thought of love is painful
And soon, I start to shake
Of course, I'd never say a word
My feelings are best when unheard
A silent death is so much better
Than you ever knowing I exist
Cause it makes me feel like this
It's impossible to think
Unless I'm thinking of you
I get lost in my own world
And nothing seems to get through
It's impossible to dream
Unless I'm dreaming of you
I stumble and I fall so hard
And it seems there's nothing I can do
When I think of you
Even when I think you're just looking
It's almost enough to cry
I see you everywhere I turn
And everytime you're walking by
I'm so afraid but for what reason
I just can't explain why
Of course, I'd never say a word
My feelings are best when unheard
A silent death is so much better
Than you ever knowing I exist
Cause it makes me feel like this
It's impossible to think
Unless I'm thinking of you
I get lost in my own world
And nothing seems to get through
It's impossible to dream
Unless I'm dreaming of you
I stumble and I fall so hard
And it seems there's nothing I can do
It's impossible to think
Unless I'm thinking of you
I get lost in my own world
And nothing seems to get through
It's impossible to dream
Unless I'm dreaming of you
I stumble and I fall so hard
And it seems there's nothing I can do
When I think of you
When I think of you, yeah
When I think of you (think of you)
When I think of you
Oh... when I think of you
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| Time: | 8:45 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. |
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My room is coming along so well. I finally grew up and took down my nsync posters and painted this weekend. The rest of the week I'm going to try and finish the rest up. It's gonna be fuckin sweet.
Keeping busy has helped me get my mind off stuff. It's better that way. Today I wrote it all down. Everything that I want to say to him and yeah I feel better. I'd never give it to him cuz it wouldn't help my problems just make them bigger. I have another problem, I like his best friend. But it's not like that can go anywhere..b/c it just can't. So yeah I'm stuck in a mess. I need to get over both of them cuz im sick of being down about it all the fuckin time.
Like a week to Xmas, so exciting. Only 1 week of school left, thank fuckin god. can't wait to have those well deserved 2 weeks off. Probably be working most of it but i'm hoping to make time for Melissa and a couple other people. Maybe Steve and/or Justin.
I don't really feel the need to write in here cuz it's pointless.I have to watch what I say cuz people could get hurt by what I say and I dont want people knowin to much.. ya know. so yeah dont know how many more times I have left of updating this..
I can't take no more... no more.... no more
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Monday, December 6th, 2004
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Monday, November 15th, 2004
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If I updated this about 2 weeks... my feelings and thoughts would be very different. I was hoping that friday night would change things between matt and I. I seen a side of him that was different, a good side, he was caring, shy, self conscious and sweetheart. Eevn tho everyone has told me that he's an asshole, a dick, tryin to be hard when he's a pussy. I didn't listen, I didn't want to. I knew that he wasn't like that, and I gave him a chance to prove himself. But he let me down. I should of known that is was gonna happen, that I would end up hurt, but hey I went for it so I have no regrets. That's saying a lot, I wanted something and actually took that leap and went for it. How could I know it would end up this way...
The more you put me through, the more it makes me come back to you.....
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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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Damn...so much has happened sinne I've last wrote in here. Nothing good. This will probably be one of my last entrys b/c i dont see the point in this anymore.I've had a rough couple of weeks, alot of ups and downs. I'm to the point of just giving up all together. I HATE my job, my family and even my friends at the moment. Nothing seems to be going my way. Matt... I'm not even gonna start on him.
just wanna get fucked up and forget everything....
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Sunday, September 26th, 2004
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| Time: | 7:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | "Good Foot" Timerland. |
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Wow it has been forever since I've updated this. My computer has been a piece of shit lately and it wouldn't let me connect to the internet. So this is new in my world...
School doesn't suck as bad as i thought it was going to. Most of my classes are bird classes (Cuz you fly right through them) My fav class is marketing cuz I have it w/ Melissa and Steve. Steve w/ an "s" is such a sweetheart no matter how much drugs he does or hwat shitty music he listens to. After months of planning Melissa and I fianlly got to chill with Steve and Matt. Twice actually, both times were pretty boring (Steve always had his hands in his pants lol he even got naked at one period of time.Matt, if you need money i'll pay you for... :X lol) but at least we had time together. Next time we are gonna have plans that way were not stuck talking about nothing.
Work... slow as hell. I get so bored at work that I beg to clean things just so I dont have to stand there. The hours and money sucks but it should be picking up soon.
Football game on Friday night hell yea nigga. Goin w/ Matt n Steve, well at least thats the palns as of now according to steve.Lets keep our fingers crossed on that..
Homecoming is closer and closer by the day, I'm so excited I can't wait. It sucks that we dont get any floats this year. It ruins the whole "high school experience".
Don't wanna go to school tomorrow but I gotta... I'm tired as fuck tho so i'm gonna go to bed.
ttyl, Low Low
Why do good girls....love bad boys?????
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
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| Time: | 7:45 pm. |
| Mood: | disappointed. |
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Depressed would be a strong word but I'm DEPRESSED that school is going back. That's all I have to say about that.....
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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
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Summer is at a end... I'm upset that school is gonna start soon. I can't work on school nites either. No time for homework and my ever growing social life.
I'm more of a nite owl, so I love working nights. There's usualy more going on at nights as well.
I think I have a crush on 2 guys that I work w/. Nothing serious yet lol Excited about football games tho, this year Melissa and I will actually have people to go w/ ::cough: Steve ::cough::
Meghan or should I say Meggie are no longer the "15 year olds". It's just werid considering eachother as a "16 year old" now we have no excuses for what we do. I kinda have a b/f at MJR LoL, right Melissa?? Well I consider him my boyfriend... (long story)
Nothing exciting happened or is happening..
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Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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I now have dark brown hair.... I wish it was dark tho
I love Scott Newberry....::I think::
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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
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It's my mother fuckin 16th Birthday!! I got my belly pierced, I might of bleed to death lol. It was a good day, I'm happy to finally be 16!! i work friday night, a double on saturday, wednesday and thursday nights.. how exciting. i get my hair dyed brown tomorrow, lil nervous but it's not gonna hurt lol.
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Happy 28th Bday to my baby Joshua!!!!!
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I tired to redo my LJ, I guess it worked, but not the way i wanted it. Anyways.... my bday in 5 days, hell yeah. I'm having a party on the 15th, are you coming?? By that time I'm gonna have dark hair and my belly pierced, how exciting.
I turned in my work permit so I get to finally work nights. Meghan will be joining me soon. Power to the 15 year olds.
As of right now, I don't think I like anyone.I did but I'm tired of playing games.
I have a car, thats right i have a fucking car!!! I can't wait to start pimping it out, it's nothing special but it's mine and thats all that matters.
I gotta work again tomorrow morning blah. I'm off sunday and monday, back to work on tuseday and then I'm off until friday NIGHT. Can u tell I'm really excited about nights lol....
Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there.
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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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"I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am. And I don't wanna be so damn protected.I'm so fed up with people telling me to be. Someone else but me." That's kinda how I feel today. As the days go by things get better...right? Well at least they say.
Good news is my 16th birthday is in 13 days.. I'm so excited. I'm just gonna have a party for who ever shows up at my hosue on August 11th. We're gonna have a kick ass party, you wouldn't wanna miss out on all the fun. So if ya wanna come, your more than welcome. Just ask me about where I live n shit like that.
I work Saturday,Sunday and Monday morning.. blah. Soon I get to work nights, cuz I'm sick of this morning shit. Saturday we have a meeting... I wonder what we did things we actually did right..?
I'm not a girl...Not yet a women....
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I shouldn't be putting this in here, way to personal but I just need to get it out....
The last couple of days have been hell.I've been in a horrible mood, as if the world is against me. Everything I try to do I fuck up.My family is always bitching at me about this and that, same fucking shit every day. I've been down, crying myself to sleep. I just hate myself..hate my life.. and there is nothing I can do but end it. I wish I could just fly far far away and never come back...but it's so easy to just run away.
I wish I could be bulletproof to everything that is around me. The hurt, pain, anger... just everything. But it seems to keep coming back no matter how hard I try and fight it. Melissa has been trying to help me through this, but there is no use is saving me.....
I've fallen into a deep depression... I dont think I'm gonna make it outta this one alive.
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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| Time: | 12:23 am. |
| Mood: |  rejuvenated. | | Music: | "Giddy up" Nsync. |
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The Last 48 Hours, Have You:
01. Cried: Yes over Nsync. I miss them lol
02. Bought something: food
03. Gotten sick: yes, a headache.. a hangover maybe? lol
04. Sang: of course
05. Eaten: yep
06. Been kissed: nope
07. Felt stupid: haha yup.
08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: I don't think so.
09. Met someone new: lol I meet people everyday
10. Moved on: no?
11. Talk to an ex: nope
12. Missed an ex: nope
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: nope
14. Had a serious talk: nope
15. Missed someone: yep
16. Hugged someone: nope
17. Fought with your parents: nope
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: of course.
Social Life:
01. Best girl friend: Melissa
02. Best guy friend: Syeve?
03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Blah no
04. If no, current dating partner: JC Chasez from Nsync lol
05. Hobbies: sex, drugs and rock N roll.
06. Pager: no. I have a cell phone.
07. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: Um, depends on who I'm with and what my mood is. But I'm usually the CENTER of attention.
08. What type automobile do you drive: nothing yet
09. What type automobile do you wish you drove: Cadillac, Escalade
10. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: friends
11. Where is the best hangout: Steve's basement. Right Melly?
12. Do you have a job: Yes. It's mroe fun at MJR
13. Do you attend church: nope
14. Do you like being around people: most of the time!
Personal:
01. Who is your role model: Christina Aguilera lol.
02. What is some of your pet peeves: cocky people, annoying people, immature people, itching lol....
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: mmhmm
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yep
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Thugs? LoL J/P
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): Opps.. shh it's secret
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: haha yep.
08. Would you rather be dumper or dumped: dumped probably.
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": both? lol
10. Want someone you don't have right now: yup
11. Ever liked your best guy friend: yup lol
12. Do you want to get married: Yes
13. Do you want kids: no! lol
14. Do you believe in psychics: um, kinda.
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: probably not
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes .....
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: my sense of humor
18. Are you happy with you: at times...
19. Are you happy with your life: no, not really
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: I would move, become famous and buy a huge house for me and my friends lol
[ Current Clothes ] A AE pink tube top and ripped jeans.
[ Current Mood ] hyper
[ Current Music ] Nsync!
[ Cu rrent Taste ] =Vanilla Coke
[ Current Make-up ] M.A.C.
[ Current Hair ] down and straightend
[ Current Annoyance ]My lil brother
[ Current Smell ] Vanilla
[ Current thing I ought to be doing ] sleeping
[ Current Desktop Picture ] Christina Aguilera
[ Current Favorite Artist ] Xtina, Dashboard, JC Chasez, d12... lol wow
[ Current Favorite Group ] *N SYNC! Aw.
[ Current Book you're reading ] Watch the Wind Blow By
[ Current CD in CD Player ] The Black Album (Jayz) The World (D12)
[ DVD in player ] BB4
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] blue green
[ Current Refreshment ] nothing... my spit?
[ Current Worry ] umm actually nothign right now..
last car ride: My ride home from Melissa
last kiss:..no comment
last good cry: umm, I'm not sure.
last library book checked out:..lol
last movie seen: Forest Gump w/ Melissa
last book read: Dear Alice
last cuss word uttered: fuck
last beverage drank: Vanilla coke
last food consumed: Wendy's
last tv show watched: I think it was I Love the 90s.
last time showered: This morning
last shoes worn: my hot pink sandles
last CD played: Mixed Cd
last item bought: clothes
last downloaded: "I'm sorry" Ashlee Simpson
last annoyance: My lil brother
last soda drank: Vanilla coke
last thing written: A song i was working on
last word spoken: umm, "I'm gonna go crazy!!"
last IM: Goodnight
last ice cream eaten: Vanilla
last time amused: 5 mins ago lol
last time hugged: dont know
last time scolded: umm, I dunno.
last chair sat in: the one I'm sitting in now.
last lipstick used: few days ago
last underwear worn: the blue ones I have on now.
last bra worn: the one I wore today? lol
last time dancing: today
last show attended: show? like movies show? If so, The Notebook w/ Carrie.
last web page visited: this one?
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stravin4dreams's journal
flirty.
giddy.
energetic.
calm.
bitchy.